What if CNN covered the 1864 election?

If CNN Covered the 1864 Election Night

On November 8th, 1864, CNN cut all their usual programs for an election night special in Washington D.C. The transcript follows.

Wolf Blitzer: And we’re back, with more unbiased coverage from CNN, the completely unbiased and extremely accurate news channel that everyone is watching. Joining me today is CNN anchor Anderson Cooper.

Anderson Cooper: Great to be here!

Wolf: Also in the field is our terrific CNN support staff, who you’ll be meeting in the near future. For now, though, I’d like to go to CNN correspondent and former advisor to Democratic president James Buchanan Donna Brazile. Donna, any predictions?

Donna: I think it’s obvious. The American people have spoken. Lincoln likes talking about how bad slavery is and how we’re fighting the good fight, but he time and again ignores the main issue of the economy. What is his stance on the Homestead Act renewal? What about draft class inequality? Lincoln needs to be held accountable for his despicable handling of the war and the economy tonight, and I think the American people will do just that..

Wolf: What impact will General Grant and General Sherman’s victories have on the race?

Donna: Wolf, the American people are more worried about the economy than the war right now. That’s the main problem in America: the economy. We’ve gotta ignore all the propaganda that Washington is spreading about how well we’re doing. Fact is, we’re not. We’re losing horribly.

(ticker at the bottom of the screen reports “Lee retreating at full speed”)

Wolf: That much is obvious. We’ll pause here for an ad break. When we come back: more unbiased coverage.

(roll ads)

Wolf: Doesn’t it crack you up when I do that “more unbiased coverage” thing? ROTFL!!!

Anderson: *snort*

Wolf: Oh, we’re on air? !*#@. And we’re back with more unbiased coverage.

Anderson: Yup.

Wolf: Returns have started to come in! Remember, the candidates will need at least 117 electoral votes to win. Oregon is in, and all 3 votes go to Lincoln.

Anderson: (sarcastically) Wow, huge win there.

Wolf: Here comes results from Vermont and Maine. No surprise there, and 12 votes go to Lincoln.

Anderson: Convenient, isn’t it, that Maine used to be part of Massachusetts, and then was split off for more votes?

Wolf: Very. Well, McClellan still isn’t out. Ohio should be very close, being on the border. If McClellan can win all 21 votes, it could be very… oh wait.

Anderson: Lincoln now has 36. But wait! Here comes Pennsylvania!

Wolf: … with all 26 votes going to Lincoln. It ain’t over ’till it’s over. 62 votes means Lincoln’s only halfway there.

Anderson: West Virginia also goes to Lincoln. No surprise there: WV was created for freed slaves. Isn’t it convenient that Lincoln created the state just in time for election season?

Wolf: Indeed. And that it has a whopping 5 votes, much more than I feel is necessary. And you know, whatever I think should be right is right because I’m so smart.

(off-camera: *cough*)

Wolf: Ah, here comes another return. Delaware casts 3 votes for McClellan! The big mo is back! McClellan can still win!

Anderson: 3 votes! McClellan is coming back!

Wolf: McClellan is slightly battered by an insignificant loss in Illinois. It’s only 16 votes, and President Lincoln hails from there. The tally is currently 82-3, with McClellan still fighting hard.

Anderson: And don’t forget, if McClellan can pick up the anti-war New York, he’ll be almost half of what Lincoln has! It’s still a close race.

Wolf: Another small victory for Lincoln. A puny 8 votes from Iowa goes to the GOP nominee. Still a close race.

Anderson: And McClellan comes back again! New Jersey votes for their favorite son! 7 votes! What a win!

Wolf: Totally. And wait! Kentucky’s 11 votes come in strong for McClellan! Huge win! It’s closing up! The race is tight at 90-21! What a race!

Anderson: Indiana plumps 13 tiny votes for Lincoln. Still anyone’s race at 113-21.

Wolf: Still really close! Nevada votes 2 for Lincoln. Not that it matters anyway. Nevada was created by Lincoln. Of course they’ll vote for him.

Anderson: And it’s over, folks. The Big Mo didn’t last, and New York votes McClellan.

(roll ads, as both anchors break out in tears)

Wolf: *blows nose* And we’re here with Democratic strategist Donna Brazile. Donna, what are your thoughts?

Donna: All I know was that there was a whole lot of election fraud going on. It’s not possible that over 2 million people thought Lincoln was doing the right thing. Not possible.

Wolf: Any particular states?

Donna: What about New York? 33 votes, and all went to Lincoln? New York is very progressive and is strongly anti-war. Or take Missouri. They voted for slavery (hence the Missouri compromise), yet voted for… Lincoln? And finally, there was definitely some manipulating going on in the South. Why not allow the Southern states, not to mention border states, vote? So what if they rebelled? They’re still Americans! OK, technically they’re Confederates and don’t consider themselves Americans, but they’re still people.

Wolf: Speaking of people, many folks in Europe are awfully upset that we elected Lincoln. Punch Magazine, a well respected British magazine, hates Lincoln. How does re-electing Lincoln help us improve our world image?

Donna: Put simply, it doesn’t.

Anderson: I also believe that this election was unduly influenced by the media. I feel that many media outlets, particularly in New York, were going out of their way to swing the election. Take Fox News, for example.

Wolf: Definitely agree. Well, that wraps things up. America had the opportunity to vote for change and progress, but settled for another four more years. Oh well. Until next time, this is the Clellan Cable News Network, signing off.

Now you gotta give this guy credit, he nailed the CNN mode of operation. I would be laughing if it wasn’t so true… Sad really.
Well done Andy Min.